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That feeling has finally crept in. I’m not handling minor things well. Frustration is showing itself more. Comparison is flashing its vile face. Not physically exhausted but mentally spent. 


It happens. We can beat ourselves up, pretend it’s something else, point the frustration at those around us, or have some awareness of self and admit to it.

The ego is a tricky bastard. While I keep many aspects in check, that particular bastard still pops up and muddies the water,  blocking my ability to see what’s true. The ego hates to admit that I’m at a limit. It hates to admit I’m tired. It hates to admit I need help or a break. 

When you start to consistently feel that fade of energy and you start getting out of character, it’s time to address it. It’s been a gnarly year: cultural unrest, pandemics, media bullshit, political bullshit, economic bullshit, work stress, life stress, financial stress, relationship stress, travel, and needing to creatively problem solve through all of it.

A much needed break and refill is required to reset my compass and dump all the bullshit. These minor problems are not the source. My empty gas tank is. Remember you have to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help anyone.

Self care is something I have focused on and it has allowed me to do more than I’ve ever thought possible. How do I refill? I do the things that bring me joy, happiness, and fun. For me, it’s adventures, fun, laughter, sex, silliness, self exploration, and movement. These are all the things that slowly disappear the more overwhelmed and stressed I get.

Incredible that I can reel back in quickly with the intention to do that.  When I need this refill, I take it just as seriously as the work.  Both sides of this dichotomy have to be performed with the same intensity.

If you don’t know what refills your tank, then it’s going to be tough to stay on the gas building momentum for the long term. Sustainability requires DELOADS just like when training. You have to have time to process and adapt to the stimulus to return stronger.

For me, admitting burnout verbally to my partner took over two weeks. As soon as it was named,  I felt relieved.  Now that it was defined, it could be addressed much easier.

This isn’t the first time I have been here. As my capacity to accomplish bigger goals grows so will the burnouts if I don’t manage my energy well.

If you’re struggling and feeling stuck, all effort and no progress, take a step back and look at it without your ego getting in the way. It’s ok to be tired and need a break. It’s not ok to pretend it’s not real and be a piece of shit to yourself and others to protect your fragile little ego. 

Grow up and own your shit.  

(Note to self) We will be here again. I’ll be better then. 

Till then, I’ll lay back, smoke a joint, eat a stem, go for a bike ride, draw, sketch, fuck, watch new movies, and journal.

July 25, 2022