I had misplaced frustration for years. I had issues I didn’t understand that just got carried with me. And long before I had taken any steps to improving my mental health, I assumed self help was a crock of bullshit for weak people.

I felt it was such a soft mentality. I thought it was just accepting mediocrity and capitalizing on lost people.

I was wrong. The biggest place I was wrong, like most 25-30 year olds, I felt I had it figured out.  

Making a ton of assumptions about my life and how anyone else lives. Lots of judgment of myself secretly and of others around me. I was cynical. I was proud to be an asshole because I thought that meant honesty. I thought I had confidence, but later realized it was the one thing to hide behind with all my other bullshit.

When I lost competing, I felt fully exposed. Finally everyone will see me for the completely average person that I was. I was scared to be normal and fit in. In my opinion, I knew normal people weren’t happy. I knew they spent their time complaining. I knew they don’t prioritize their health, mental or physical. 

I knew normal people thought you’re weird for eating quality food and not drinking. I knew normal people let their happiness be controlled by strange things like sports they aren’t participating in or the news system that clearly profits from our frustration and division.  

Normal people reward themselves with overeating and drinking. I don’t want to be anything like that.

If I see the crowd going the same way as me, it’s probably time for me to pay better attention to what I am doing. I am not just here for the ride but you can fucking bet I’m driving. 

Right now is the best time to snap out of your shit and make your life awesome. Just give yourself permission to try your best no matter the outcome.

You’re Not Dead Yet

August 14, 2023